All siblings fight sometimes, but frequent conflict between siblings can be hard on everyone in the family. Below are some strategies for handling conflict between siblings when one or more children in the family are autistic.
Be ok with some conflict
All siblings clash sometimes, especially when one or both is going through a difficult patch like starting school, transitioning between schools, hitting puberty, etc.
Sibling conflicts are one of the ways children learn to handle clashes with others – letting children work out the occasional conflict on their own can be a great way to help them learn to negotiate, compromise, and handle all of the feelings that come with conflict.
If everyone is safe, you don’t always need to intervene – learning how to manage conflict and regulate yourself in difficult situations is more important for your children than never fighting.
If you can, keep track of which sibling tends to win arguments and clashes. If one sibling seems to constantly lose arguments, or is consistently really upset following clashes, you may need to intervene on that child’s behalf.
Involve children in setting rules
Sibling conflicts often come from both siblings wanting or needing access to something – the bathroom, a video game system, a particular toy, a parent’s undivided attention, etc.
If you can identify the thing your children are fighting over, involve them in figuring out a fair system. This could mean setting up a timer next to the video game system so that everyone gets the same amount of time; making a schedule for the bathroom that everyone has to stick to; or any other system that works for your family.
Autistic children often have a very strong sense of fairness and justice, and it can be very upsetting for them when unfair things happen. This can make negotiating difficult, especially with younger autistic children who may be missing some life experience that would help them understand why their perception of fairness is inaccurate. (For example, young children often don’t understand why a teenage sibling needs longer in the bathroom, and might be upset that the ‘fair’ system of everyone getting the same amount of time is rejected.)
Using simple, silly examples of when everyone getting the same thing isn’t actually fair can help children to understand. (Everyone having to wear trousers that are exactly the same is fair, because then no one’s trousers are nicer or better than anyone else’s – except that now Dad’s trousers are too small, and your trousers are too big, and only your big brother is happy.)
It can help to have a ‘talking stick’ or another system that works for your family to make sure that everyone gets a chance to talk. (This can be particularly helpful if one or more children sometimes struggle with turn-taking in conversations.)
Talk about other people’s perspectives and solutions that work for everyone
For older children it can help to discuss everyone’s perspective in a conflict. Ask each child what they want, and what they think their sibling wants.
Have a brainstorming session where both siblings come up with ideas to solve the problem. It can help to make it fun by contributing silly ideas of your own – for example, if the conflict is over who has to wash the dishes, suggest inventing a dishwashing robot, making the cat do it, or just throwing all the dishes out the window. Have your children work out why these solutions wouldn’t work; it’s good practice for figuring out which solutions will work.
Give children the chance to practice negotiating when they’re calm and not in conflict. Having one night a week where the children decide what’s for dinner, involving children in decisions about family holidays, or having the children pick which movie to watch can all help develop their ability to compromise, and teach them that wanting different things to their siblings doesn’t have to lead to fighting. You may need to help them negotiate and compromise at first, or step in if one seems to be bulldozing over the other’s opinions.
Make sure all children have time without siblings – both alone time and time with you and any other parents or caregivers where their siblings aren’t present
For some families it’s difficult or impossible to give children time without their siblings present (especially if one or more children is very young and/or has complex needs). If this is the case for you, try activities where the focus is completely on one child – having one child perform a play with toys as the actors and the rest of the family as the audience; bringing one sibling to watch the other play sports; or having one sibling pick today’s activity and another sibling pick tomorrow’s activity can all help to make children feel that they are getting enough attention separate from their siblings.
Make a list of activities that each child enjoys and can do without their siblings. If your children are finding it hard to be in the same space as each other or clashing over doing an activity together, get them to pick activities off their solo activity lists instead. (This can be particularly helpful if you’ve noticed that a lot of conflict tends to be based on a younger sibling trying to be involved in what an older sibling is doing.)
Model solving conflicts calmly
Children who see their family members solve conflicts calmly and negotiate solutions that work for everyone will learn that that’s the appropriate way to deal with conflict (even if they aren’t old enough to negotiate yet). Children who see those around them yell, slam doors and refuse to compromise will often copy that behaviour.
If it’s impossible to stay calm during a conflict, walk away and solve it later (whenever possible).
Talk to your children when everyone is calm about strategies next time they can’t agree on something or are annoyed by their siblings. This will vary depending on your children’s ages and maturity levels, but the big one to remember is staying calm, or walking away when you can’t.
When you do intervene to stop a conflict between siblings, make sure that you remain calm; if you need to (and if everyone is safe), step aside and regulate yourself before getting involved. If you’re calm, it’s much easier to help your children calm down as well.
Reduce frustration and overwhelm in other areas
Children who are overwhelmed by too much sensory input, too much social interaction, or anything else they find difficult or intolerable will often take it out on siblings – even if the overwhelming environment is at school and the sibling is at home hours later.
It can help to have a ‘calm-down’ space in your house that is quiet, away from the rest of the house (as much as possible), and contains a few toys or fidget toys. Being able to go somewhere to calm down without being interrupted can stop children’s frustration building until something relatively minor a sibling does causes an explosion.
If you notice that one child seems to be starting fights or losing their temper with a sibling more often, investigate if there is something happen in the rest of that child’s life – has something changed at school? Is there a problem in their friend group? Has anything else significant changed in your child’s life that is causing them to be overwhelmed or frustrated and take it out on a sibling?
