Divorce or separation is never going to be easy, especially not when you have a child. It can be particularly difficult if your child also struggles with change, may have a harder time communicating or understanding how they are feeling, or may have a hard time regulating themselves.
It is important to make sure you are taking time to look after yourself and your emotions in this big adjustment so that you can better support your child.
There might be some time where there is an increase in meltdowns from your child and this might come back over time as frustrations arise with the new dynamics of their living situation.
Below are some strategies you could try to make the transition as smooth as possible. Please note that some of these may be harder to apply if you have more than one child.
Prepare your child for what might happen:
- Let your child know that you’re separating and what that means If there is going to be a custody battle, let them know of the parts that involve them (e.g. if they’re going to have to go to the courthouse).
- It goes without saying, but if a divorce can be done as amicably as possible, this benefits everyone involved. Your child will likely pick up on tense and hostile environments.
- If possible, it can be good for parents to attend autism education so that both parents are on the same page about what it means for their child to be autistic and what it looks like to support them. It can unfortunately become very difficult for parents if they don’t agree on this, and very confusing for the child if home life lacks consistency.
Where possible, keep the environment, particularly their bedroom, as similar as possible in the new home(s) they will be staying in. Focus on the positives:
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- Splitting between two homes is bound to mean getting some new (or new to you) belongings such as toys or bedding.
- Make dinners or time spent together fun: build forts, play games, if you have moved location go exploring, visit parks near your house etc.
- Be mindful with your language, if asked why this is happening, be positive about it. You could say something along the lines of “mummy will be a lot happier in her new home”
- It can be helpful to create a visual plan of when your child is going to be staying with which parent. It can be hard for children to keep track of time or even understand the concept of time, so anything that helps them know when these transitions are going to happen and preparing them for it, can be helpful in lessening potential meltdowns.
- Showing photos or pictures of things that might happen.
- Focus on the fact that they will get more one on one time with each parent
- Listen to your child. This is understandably hard for you, but it is hard for them too. Don’t take it too personally if they express a preference towards one parent or living situation, or if they are lashing out more often. This is a major disruption to their routines, familiarity, and coping strategies and that may continue to be the case if your child is living between two homes.
- Create a safe space for your child to regulate. For example, somewhere with calming items like a weighted blanket or their favourite activities. If they are a more outwardly expressive child who is expressing a lot of anger, perhaps give them some appropriate things to hit or take their feelings out on. Take up cricket or football for example. This allows them to direct that energy into something safely.
- Consider talking therapy for your child. It’s a good idea to make sure they have some outlet, even if that is not you.